Is Divorce an Option?
by Kevin K. Nelson
Who's in charge of divorce?
The modern view of divorce is: if your spouse isn't meeting your needs, you should divorce them and find someone who will. For the Christian, this philosophy is not an option, for we are followers of Christ not of our own personal satisfaction, and the Bible clearly states that God hates divorce (Mal. 2:16). However, the divorce rate in the church is as bad as the divorce rate outside of the church. How can this be?
Apparently, the modern Christian thinks that he or she can have their cake and eat it too. They can have God, call themselves a good person because they go to church on Sundays, pray to God that he'll help them be good at work, and that their kids will grow into good people. However, when it comes to who is in charge, they have left themselves on the throne. "God is only good so long as He stays in church where He belongs" is the mentality that many people unknowingly have. They like the idea of God, they like the idea of Heaven, they like to feel all warm and fuzzy when they think about Him, and they even pray to him on a daily basis at times, but they have not realized the most important issue of all--who is on the throne in their lives?
In my mind, rarely is this more clear than when it comes to divorce. Christians have somehow gotten the mindset that they will "try it God's way," but if it doesn't work, that they're then going to do it their way anyway. An example:
My husband isn't treating me with respect, he never listens to me, never does anything around the house--it feels like we're just roommates that happen to sleep in the same bed. I not only work full-time as well, but I do ALL the work around the house, and I'm the only one the kids ever see--I do everything for them. The only time they even see him is when he's sitting in front of the TV. We've tried counseling, but it hasn't worked, he doesn't care. He says he wants the marriage, but he won't do anything about it...he says we're "just going through a dry spell...it'll all work out in the end," and he blames it on a lot of stress at work. But he won't listen, I'm at the end of my rope, I've done all that I can do. I've tried everything that I can think of, I've tried to be a good wife, I've tried to do it God's way, but if he doesn't change I just can't put up with it anymore. I'm going to have to divorce him.
Now, does this wife have a reasonable complaint? Of course! Her husband, especially if he is a Christian, is not doing what God has commanded of him. He is not laying down his life for her as Christ laid down His life for the church. Does this make her feelings of wanting to divorce him understandable? Yes! However, does she have a right to divorce him? Now, that's the tricky part.
For marriages like this, some that aren't as bad and some that are worse, the person says that they are trying to do it God's way, but it just isn't working. Therefore, since God's way isn't working, they're going to do it their way unless God changes something pretty quick. Now, what's the fallacy of this argument? The fallacy is that God's way is to stick it out. God's way is "for better or worse." God's way is "one flesh." God's way is when you are at the place where divorce is not an option, God's way is when you stay by your spouses side not because they're good but because you are a Christian, a follower of Christ. The call of a Christian is to stick it out even when you have to pick up your cross and bear through the pains of life, when you forsake your own self-rule, and when divorce is not an option.
Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it" (Matt 16:24-25, NIV).
This passage contains an important principle for modern marriages, one that is most often overlooked. If we are going to follow Christ, it means we must die to ourselves, to our own desires, and serve Christ even to the point of death. Isn't that what the early Christians did? When we die to ourselves, only then can we say, we've done it God's way. Only after we've told God, "Lord, you know this marriage is wearing me out. You know that I'd like to get out of it. You know I wish you'd fix it. You know that I want a divorce, but not my will--your will be done." Then, and only then, can we say that we have done what God has asked us to do, for that is what "taking up your cross" is all about. It is about forsaking our own will for the sake of obedience.
Christ obeyed what was required of him by the Father--whether he felt like it or not. In fact, He prayed that he could get out of dying on the cross. He wanted to "divorce" himself from having to die on the cross, but he said, "Not my will father, but yours be done" (Luke 22:42). If you want to talk about being at the "end of your rope," or "more than you can handle," Christ was so stressed out that his sweat glands had blood coming out of them. Christ was so distraught that his capillaries were bursting1, and yet, we American Christians think that we can say, "Not your will Father but mine be done, because your way didn't work." Do we have such arrogance to believe that we can make our own rules?
Do we really need to be obedient to that degree, the degree of death? Does God really require total obedience to His will? Yes! Jesus said that love for Him and obedience to Him are inseparable (John 14:15). If you tell yourself that you love God, but you don't obey Him, you are a liar and the love of God is not in you (1 John 2:4). Therefore, if you love God, you will obey Him to the cost of forsaking all your own desires, dying to yourself, taking up your cross and following Christ in obedience to His Word. So, the first question that must be asked:
Are you willing to pick up your cross and follow Christ? If you are not, there is no point in continuing to read this article. If on the other hand, you want to be a follower of Christ, continue on.
Since we serve God and not ourselves
"Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"
Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."
The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry" (Matt 19:7-10, NIV).
Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. Jesus set the record straight when He came. Jewish law allowed divorce, but Christ said that it was only allowed because their hearts were hard. Their hearts were hard because they were focused on pleasing themselves, not on pleasing the Father. They were allowed to divorce under law only because they were not willing to pick up their crosses and obey God. If their hearts had not been hard against God, divorce would not have been allowed. Therefore, since there is so much divorce in the American church, what does that say about our hearts? Think about it, it shouldn't take long.
But it was not this way from the beginning. In an earlier verse Christ quoted Genesis, "'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate" (Matt 19:5-6, NIV emphasis added). This very clearly illustrates that when we divorce, we destroy the way God made the earth, we go against His plans, we go against the way God created us to be. When we decide that we are the ones that make the decision about whether or not we will get a divorce, we are playing God. We are going back to Creation and telling God that He did it wrong, that He is wrong, that He doesn't know what He's talking about, and that He doesn't know what's best for us. When we take our own lives into our own hands, and divorce is an option, we are playing God and recreating the world in our image, the image of selfishness.
I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery. God is not taking this lightly. He is saying that if you get a divorce for any reason other than the spouse having an affair, that you ARE committing adultery. Even though the "divorce" is legal, you are still an adulterer. Not only that, but elsewhere it states that you are not only guilty of your own adultery, but you are guilty of causing the adultery of your spouse2, and that anyone that marries a person that is divorced also becomes an adulterer (Matt. 5:32). So, unless your spouse fornicates, you have no Biblical reason to divorce, and if you do divorce, you are not obeying Christ, but rather you become an adulterer.
The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry." Someone may argue that Christ doesn't understand the kind of neglect that their husband or wife puts them through, that this was good for the society back then, but it is not applicable for our society today. However, as I have shown, this is not about societies, the Jews allowed divorce too. This is about the way that God created us. Furthermore, no one can argue that Christ didn't understand the kind of command He was giving--even his disciples understood what a hard command this was to obey. That is why His disciples stated that it is, then, "better not to marry." Therefore, if you can't handle a spouse not being perfect, you best not marry.
Christ understood EXACTLY what He was saying, and EXACTLY what He was requiring of us today. He understood that this would be a burden for many people, a cross that they would have to carry. He understood that obedience to Him was not a walk in the park, but was, rather, a walk down death row. He understood this--and He expected it of us. Christ very clearly expects us, that would come after Him, to take up our crosses and follow Him in obedience.
What then shall we do?
"What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death?" (Rom 6:1-3, NIV)
To start, we need to stop thinking of sin as an option. Divorce is not an option except in cases of marital unfaithfulness. Divorce is sin--it is rebellion against God. We are dead to living for ourselves and our own satisfaction, we have been baptized into his death, we have died with Christ, and now we are to live in obedience--to God--for God. When we do good things, we do not do them just to be good people and we do not do them only for those we like. Instead, we do good things in order to serve God. The Christian does not do what is right in order to get to Heaven, the Christian does what is right because of what Christ has done for him or her.
When we are in a marriage, and the spouse doesn't love us like they're supposed to, we continue to love them because Christ loved us even while we were sinners and did not deserve His love (Rom. 5:8). We do this because we are children of God, and we serve our King. We, then, bestow the same love and grace to our spouses that God gave to us because of our love for God and what He did for us (i.e. "Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us" --Luke 11:4, NIV, "But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins" --Matt 6:15, NIV).
For wives, God has asked you to submit to and respect your husband, and the scripture doesn't give any contingencies. The Bible does not say that you submit and respect your husband if he's respectable. Rather, as we grow in Christ, we submit to Him and then take our submission and respect towards Him and bestow it upon those in authority over us, such as a husband. Two other examples of this are when it comes to submitting to the government and when it comes submitting to masters3 (for slaves)--we are to submit to them but all the time realizing that the one we are really serving is God (1 Pet. 2:18, Eph. 6:5-8, Col. 3:22-23, Rom. 13:1). By realizing that we are really serving God--not man, not husbands, and not wives--we can put up with greater hardships, for then we know that they Lord will reward us even more greatly for suffering undeservedly--suffering with Christ (Rom. 8:17, 1 Pet. 2:20). Similarly, Ephesians 5 tells wives to submit to their husbands "as unto the Lord." By submitting and respecting her husband, even when he doesn't deserve it, a wife is serving God, not just her husband. It is much like a slave who serves his master well even when his master doesn't deserve him to. In contrast, then, a wife that does not do what the Bible commands is not serving God.
"For it is commendable if a man bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because he is conscious of God. But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God" (1 Pet 2:19-20, NIV).
Now, for clarification, I am not saying that wives are to be slaves or to submit to physical abuse. A higher authority than the husband, our government says it is illegal, and a higher authority still, the scriptures, commands husbands not to be harsh with their wives. In these cases, I would advise wives to give their husbands a long time to think the very first time he even slaps her, and if he bruises her, she should put him in jail so that he can ponder his actions--otherwise the problem will likely never go away. However, what to do in cases when the husband is treating his wife harshly, or vice versa, is beyond the scope of this particular article. The point is simply that wives are to do what God has asked them to do regardless of what their husbands deserve.
For the husbands, there is a much stricter command than one of submission and respect. Husbands are commanded to love and serve their wives, just as Christ loved and served the Church. It is required of a husband regardless of whether or not his wife deserves to be served and regardless of whether or not she submits. As Christians, we did not deserve Christ to come and serve us. However, He did, and He did it willingly so that we might have life. Husbands, likewise, are required by God to do the same for their wives:
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-" (Eph 5:25-29, NIV emphasis added)
A husband is required to serve and love, and since he is given a place of higher authority, God will surely hold him accountable. 1 Peter 3:7 even says that if a husband is not treating his wife properly, it might hinder his prayers. Point being--when a husband doesn't do what God has commanded Him to do, He is guilty before God and there will be consequences, consequences in marriage, consequences in life, and consequences in His relationship with God. If a husband is not loving his wife like he's supposed to, the time to get help is NOW. A husband should do whatever it takes to love his wife, even if it means giving up his job and getting a lower-paying career that won't take up too many hours. Now, I realize that this is a radical approach for many. However, think about it. How much money a husband makes on earth won't make a bit of difference in Heaven, but how he treats his wife does and has eternal consequences or blessings. Therefore, a husband should do whatever it takes--PERIOD!
Invisible Plank Syndrome
Just because I think it's a clever title, I should make this an article all on its own ;)--but I'll leave it here for now. Invisible Plank Syndrome is when you are constantly looking at what your spouse is or isn't doing. It is when wives are constantly focused on the fact that their husband isn't fulfilling their needs, and it's when husbands are constantly focused on their wives being nags. In these cases, if both spouses are doing this, or similar things, they are suffering from IPS.
Like I said earlier, the Bible doesn't give contingencies. Wives can't refuse to submit and respect if their husband doesn't love and serve, and husbands can't refuse to love and serve just because their wife doesn't submit and respect. Each person must hold their own account to God. However, spouses constantly insist that they don't actually have IPS but that it is their spouse that has IPS, which only proves that they do have it. Fortunately, the cure is easy to get, but the application of the cure has a learning curve. It involves 9 steps.
- Realize that you cannot change another person. You are not God.
- Realize how hard it has been for you to change some of your bad habits. Many people struggle with bad habits, like overeating, spending too much money, laziness, for years if not their whole life before they finally learn to change.
- Realize that your spouse has had their idiosyncrasies for a long time, he or she didn't get them overnight and it'll likely take them a long time to change--if ever.
- Realize that if someone were trying to change you, that it would likely offend you and could very likely make you feel worthless and damage your self-esteem, then feeling worthless, you would not even have the right motivation to change.
- Again, realize that you cannot change another person. You are not God. You told them that you would live with them and their idiosyncrasies, so you're stuck with them unless they have the good fortune of actually changing--which has to come from God--not you. Remember, you're not God, you can't change people.
- Now that you've realized that you're not God and can't change people, we can finally start working on allowing God to change you, which is where God wanted you a long time ago, but you were too focused on changing others to fit your mold.
- Now, start working on your own issues, primarily your relationship with God. Serve Him. Get your needs met in Him. Find your joy in Him. He is the only one that can fulfill your needs. Even if your spouse changed all the things you wanted them to change, they never would have been enough for you, because God created you to need Him.
- Then, continue allowing God to change you for the rest of your life, because it won't end with that habit you're changing right now. As soon as you finish that one, God will tell you, "Great job, you learned your ABCs, now lets start working on our reading…" and when you're done with that, you'll start on learning math.
- As you spend time with God, get to know Him well. He's always there for you, and He's always willing to teach you something if you'll just listen.
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye (Matt 7:1-5, NIV).
That is IPS. It is the sickness that is plaguing our Christian marriages. We keep trying to change everyone else, pointing the finger at what they are or aren't doing, and we justify our own sin because we are so focused on what they are doing wrong that we don't realize that we just broke God's law ourselves. Our spouse isn't meeting our needs, and because we are so absorbed in that, we don't even look at our own hearts and realize what God is asking us to do.
God is asking us to obey Him, even at the cost of having to take up our crosses and follow Him. He's asking us to stop trying to run our own lives and just trust Him. He knows it may cause us heartache for our time on earth, but our rewards are for eternity. He's asking us to look at the big picture, sinning against Him is never a good price for happiness. He's asking us to stop looking at what everyone else is or isn't doing and to start looking at Him.
FootNotes
Copyright © 2000, Kevin K. Nelson, all rights reserved
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