...and the Two Will Become One Flesh
by Kevin K. Nelson
I've had men, who barely know me, come up to me and start talking about how their "wife doesn't submit like she should," and I have to admit that I find this kind of comment very disturbing. When I hear statements like that, I want to ask, "So, that means that you love her like Christ loves the church, and you serve her perfectly???" However, attitudes such as this are not all that uncommon. I've heard recently that a church released a proclamation of what a wife is supposed to do and how she is supposed to submit to her husband. However, when I heard this declaration, I didn't hear anything about how the men, the apparent leaders, are supposed to conduct themselves. So, why such a preoccupation with the role women are supposed to fulfill and almost no mention of the role the men, the leaders, are supposed to fulfill?
For some reason, we have a preoccupation with trying to figure out the woman's role in a marriage, but very little or no mention of the man's role in a marriage. Why? One possibility is that there has been a lot of role confusion ever since the women's liberation movement. Men and women are confused even on simple things, such as who asks who out on a date, whether or not a girl should call a guy, etc. Since the confusion started with the women's liberation movement, it is no surprise that the woman's role is the primary focus of debate--because that's the role that changed. However, I don't believe that focusing on the woman's role will help.
I think that the focus on the woman's role in marriage is a focus that is only on a surface issue. We are trying to solve the problem by dealing with the symptoms, not the disease itself. The question we must ask is why the women's liberation movement started in the first place. Why did women get restless with their roles to begin with? Why would any woman not want to be a "stay-at-home" mom? What started it?
Part of it could be sin issues. I've heard people use the scripture in Genesis 3:16 to try to say that "Your desire will be for your husband," means that the woman is desiring to be the one in authority. Granted, we are all sinful and we are all selfish, however, I think that such interpretations are stretches at best. Rather, I think it is mostly that women wanted to be cherished, appreciated, and wanted to feel that they were an important part of their family, and many men do not cherish, appreciate, or show their wives how important they are to the family. So, when you're not being appreciated at home, what do you do? Get out of there, and get your appreciation in the working world and, even more, get paid for the work that you do. I know that I would consider getting appreciated and paid as a good alternative to changing diapers with no pay and no appreciation.
So, what do I think the problem is? Men! I think we are the problem (just to be redundant). For too long we have expected the women to put our shoes away, hang our coats, wash our clothes, make our meals, raise our children, and then we fail to appreciate them. We have failed to love our wives. We forget anniversaries and birthdays, we forget to tell and show them how much we love them, and we fail to serve them as Christ served the church and gave himself up for her.
So, instead of focusing on whether or not wives are submitting to their husbands, I think we should focus more on how many husbands are serving and loving their wives. I have yet to see a husband who genuinely loves and serves his wife--married to a woman that won't submit. When a husband loves and serves his wife, she naturally submits to him, because she knows that he is always more concerned about her than he is about himself and is willing to let him "rule" over her as Genesis 3:16 states. However, when a husband expects his wife to give, give, give, submit, submit, submit, but does not lay down his life for her as Christ layed down his life for the church, then most women, I'm certain, begin to feel taken advantage of, taken for granted, and feel that they are the ones doing all the work, and negativity begins to rule their lives because they are there for everybody but even their husbands are not there for them.
On a side note:
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, by Dr. John Gray is a good book to pick up to help couples learn to communicate better and climb over some of the hurdles of the "differences" of men and women. It's not a Christian book by any means, but it is practical and it is in my "must read" library. Books like Dr. Gray's help simply in the fact that they get couples talking, communicating, and learning about each other. That one action alone is enough to save many marriages.
Anyway, now that I've chewed people out about focusing too much on submission, I'll go on to finishing the last two thirds of this article talking about submission. ;)
What is Submission?
In our society, submission is often looked at as something that is bad. It is looked at as being in a subordinate position of less value rather than as a role. One of the reasons that it is often perceived negatively is because of the way in which men have abused their responsibility as leaders. For example, when many people think of the word submission, a picture of a man sitting down watching the television and commanding his wife to get him another beer may come to mind. This is sometimes perceived as what the Bible is teaching when it commands wives to submit, that they are merely servants in their husband's house. However, is that what the Bible is talking about when it tells the wife to submit? Not at all!
In the Beginning...
In Genesis 2:18, God is looking down at Adam, and He states, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him" (Gen. 2:18, NIV emphasis added). Then, God brought all the animals of the earth to Adam, and Adam named them all, but none of them were suitable as a "helper." So, God put Adam into a deep sleep, took out one of his ribs, and created the woman. When Adam saw what God had created, he exclaimed, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." Then, scripture declares, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Gen 2:19-24, NIV, emphasis added).
First of all, when God says that He will make a "helper" suitable for Adam, the word helper (help-meet) is not associated with a "servant," but rather with an ally. For a servant, God could have created any old animal that would go fetch a beer as the man sits on the recliner watching football. Dogs can be trained to do that. However, God chose to take one of Adam's ribs and make "flesh of [his] flesh and bone of [his] bone," and the two were One.
Instead of indicating a servant, most uses of the Hebrew word, "help" are for allies in war, and in many cases, God Himself is called our "Help." So, by calling the woman a man's "help-meet" the scripture is not saying that she has any less value whatsoever. Rather, what scripture seems to indicate in this is that a man needs a woman's help. Now, many men may think they can do it on their own, and they will often try, but "it is not good for the man to be alone."
Secondly, there is the issue of Oneness. The husband and wife will become one flesh. Another instance of Oneness is found when Jesus declares, "I and the Father are one" (John 10:30, NIV). Scripture makes it clear that the Father always has more authority than the Son, and that the Son is always subject to the Father (1 Cor. 15:27). So, even though all the members of the Trinity are One, they have different authorities. In the same way, even though a man and wife are One, they have differing levels of authority.
Simply by the fact that one has more authority over the other does not mean that the person is of any less value. I think that we would be hard pressed to try to figure out who is the most important, the Father or the Son? They are One. So, a wife's submission does not mean that she is of any less value, but only that she has a different role.
When submission is necessary
There is no indication that before the fall that Eve was commanded to submit to Adam. While it is only an assumption to believe that she wasn't "submissive" to him, the assumption is backed up by two relevant points:
- Before sin entered the world, they would have worked things out in perfect harmony, for lack of selfishness, and neither one of them would have needed more authority than the other--they were One. (This particular argument is easily rebuddled however, because Christ is in submission to the Father even though they work in perfect harmony.)
- There is no mention of any kind of submission
on the part of the woman until after sin. After they sinned, God told Eve that
"[her] desire [would] be for [her] husband," and that "he [would] rule over [her.]" as a consequence for her sin.
Since there is no mention of a wife's submission until after Adam and Eve sinned, we can reasonably assume that sin is the reason that one person had to have more authority than the other. After sin, however, instead of two unselfish people, we now have two people who are selfish, and the possibility of a stalemate in decision-making becomes possible. So, in the event of a stalemate, the question of who gets the "final decision," is brought into the equation, and God designated this authority to the man. With this authority level also came a greater responsibility and accountability before God.
Some have argued that a wife's submission does not mean "obedience." However, we know that the Bible is saying that a woman is to be "obedient" to her husband's final decisions when it talks about submission because 1 Peter 3:5-6 honors Sarah for going so far as calling her husband "master." However, this is not the complete picture, and the "final decision" does not mean that the husband should make "every decision." This would not be beneficial to either spouse. The husband doesn't have time to make every decision, and it is important for the wife to have decision-making power of her own. The Biblical examples of this are 1 Samuel and Proverbs 31.
1 Samuel indicates that Samuel's mother made the decision to give Samuel away to the priests. Now, this is a pretty big family decision, but when she informed her husband about the decision she had already made and what she had promised God, he told her to do what she saw best (Remember, she's giving away his son...). He didn't ask her, "Why didn't you consult me before making such a decision!?" or anything along those lines, but trusted his wife to do what was right. Then, in Proverbs 31, Solomon revealed what is known as "The Virtuous Woman." Here, we see a woman that not only earns money making a living, but goes out, buys property, and works the fields herself (typically seen as a "man's job"), and she does this all, seemingly, without seeking counsel from her husband or even of asking his permission--she had his trust.
What can be drawn from these examples is that, although a wife is to submit to her husband, it is not necessary for her to ask her husband's permission about everything, unless he asks her to, which would not be the best move he could make. Rather, a husband should put his trust and protection over her, and allow her potential to blossom underneath his protection. It may be necessary at times to talk decisions over and it is relationally healthy to come to a decision mutually, and sometimes upon disagreement, it may be necessary for the husband to make a "final decision." However, it is not wrong for the husband to allow his wife to make decisions on her own and it is beneficial to both of them.1
What does submission look like?
The word used for a wife's submission in the New Testament (hupotasso: Strong's #5293) is a military word--to subordinate, to be under in rank, etc.--and I think there is a lot to be learned from this simple word.
Since the word is a military word, let's place the wife as a Sergeant, the husband as a Lieutenant, and God as the General:
- If the Lieutenant contradicts the commandments of the General or makes a command that is against military procedure, the Sergeant is not obliged to obey those orders because the orders are in direct contradiction to a higher authority. Furthermore, the Sergeant is obligated not to obey an order that is in contradiction to military procedure. The Lieutenant has a limited amount of authority, and must operate within his code of conduct. If something goes wrong, the responsibility falls on the person with the most amount of responsibility that complied with the grievance. With more rank, comes more responsibility. (Children are less accountable than their parents, the wife is less accountable than the husband, etc., but they are all still accountable to live up to the code of conduct for their "rank.")
- The Sergeant also has a certain amount of authority, in fact, not much less than a lieutenant, and is in charge of many things. Just because the Sergeant is underneath the Lieutenant does not mean that the Sergeant has to ask the Lieutenant's permission for every decision she makes. In fact, if the Sergeant were out in the middle of open gunfire, it would be irrational if she had to call up the Lieutenant and ask for permission to perform evasive maneuvers.
- When in war, rank is less important than working as a team. The Lieutenant, if he finds himself in battle with the Sergeant and his men, should work together for the benefit of optimal teamwork, so that they are all operating as one unit rather than as superiors and their subordinates. While authority structure is important, and in the heat of battle following orders and knowing who's in command is vital, it is more important that everyone comes back alive. So, the Lieutenant is somewhat like the Captain of a Team. He makes the call for the play, but if they don't all work together, things get messed up.
(1) In practical terms this means that a wife is to obey her husband, but only to the extent of his actual authority. A husband has no authority to tell his wife to submit to his beating her, for a higher authority than he, the government, says it is against the law, and a higher authority still, God, says that He hates it when a man covers himself with violence (Mal. 2:16), and it is commanded that husbands are to treat their wives with respect (1 Pet. 3:7). Furthermore, a wife would not need to obey her husband in something so simple as how she drives. If a husband told his wife to speed because he was in a hurry, the wife is not under obligation to obey him, for the government is a higher authority. So, a husband does not have the authority to tell his wife to do anything that is against a higher authority.
So, if a husband tells his wife that she doesn't want her to go to church, what should she do? Does he have the authority to make such a demand? I do not believe that he does. Throughout scripture we see examples where it commands us to obey our governing authorities. However, the exception to obeying them is always when they contradict a higher authority. For example, the apostles were constantly told to stop preaching the gospel, but they could not obey that command because a higher authority, God, commanded them to preach to the whole world (Acts 5:29). In the same way, the Bible commands wives to be submissive to their husbands, but if at any time he makes a command that he does not have the authority to make, she is not obligated to obey him, but rather she is obligated to obey the higher authority. The scripture tells us, "Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another-- and all the more as you see the Day approaching" (Heb. 10:25, NIV). A husband has no authority to contradict God's Word, and therefore, if he told his wife to stop going to church, she would not be obligated to obey him.
I will give one WARNING in regards to what I have just written. When disobeying an authority to obey a higher authority, there should still be balance. If a wife were spending even 2 or 3 nights out of the week at church and her husband asked her to quit going to church so much because he never got to see her or because things weren't getting done, I believe that he would be in his right to make such a request. A wife's first priority is God, and her second priority is her husband and then her family. Church comes only after those obligations are met. Building the relationship with her husband and taking care of her family is more important than spending three nights a week in church.
If spending time at church means neglecting your family, then there are some problems that need to be worked on, some serious problems.
(2) As already pointed out, a wife (Sergeant) has authority of her own as well. She should be trusted to use that authority wisely, until it is proven otherwise. Since the husband married her, hopefully he believes that she is trustworthy to make those decisions, and should give her his approval to make decisions underneath his authority. I personally believe that decisions about whether or not a wife works should be left up to her, and I think it is unwise for a husband to push his wife, unwillingly, toward either working or staying at home if she does not wish to. I also believe that at times it is better for the wife to handle the finances. Some women are much better at budgeting, planning, saving, and tithing than their husbands, and so in that case, I would suggest that the wife be the one in charge of the finances. This does not mean that she has more authority than her husband, and so it is not wrong for her to do so. Even as a son, I have handled my parents' finances, but I always did it underneath their authority--they had a right to tell me to stop at anytime, but because I am better at budgeting, saving, etc., they did not wish to stop me. When a husband allows his wife to make decisions, and to do what she does best, both of them benefit.
The Goal
(3) The goal in every marriage is Oneness. Since this is the goal, things should be worked out, discussed, and agreed upon. A wife should submit when appropriate, but that is not the goal. There are times that a wife needs to confront her husband, and times when a husband needs to confront his wife. The goal is a right relationship with each other and a right relationship with God. Husbands and wives should work together, sacrificing for each other, and serving one another because they love one another.
The husband should focus on what he needs to do to be a good husband and not on what his wife should be doing. Likewise, the wife should focus on what she needs to do to be a good wife and not on what her husband should be doing. The wife is called to submit to her husband whether or not the husband serves her as he should, and the husband is called to serve his wife and lay down his life for her as Christ layed down His life for the church, even if His wife does not submit. God never gave his commands in marriages any contingencies. The scripture does not say, "Wives submit to your husbands if he is a good man," or "Husbands lay down your lives for your wives only if they deserve it." Instead, God has called each of us to fulfill our part, to honor Him first, and in honoring Him, to honor our spouses.
As a husband serves his wife, by taking out the trash, listening to her needs, wants, desires, and let-downs, as he serves her by putting her needs before his own and loving her with Christ's love--then he will begin to find the Oneness that the Bible speaks about. As a wife submits and respects her husband, even when at times he seems unrespectable, and as a wife focuses on building up her husband, praying for him, and helping him to be all that he can be--then she will begin to realize that Oneness comes through serving one another, by setting aside selfishness, and realizing the greater goal.
A side Note:
Many marriages have a lot of issues to be dealt with. For some, submitting and respecting your husband, or loving and serving your wife, may seem like the impossible task. However, what is impossible through man is possible through God. God desires your marriage to be whole. If your marriage is on the rocks, there is always hope. Think for a moment about why you married the person you married. Remember that first kiss. Remember the first time you realized that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with this person. Remember your vow on the altar before the Lord. You said, "For better or worse." While right now, it may seem like worse than worse, it is not, because God is able to work things out. It may be a rough road to travel, but that's what you promised the person you married. You promised to help them through all of life's rough journeys.
Oneness starts with you. It starts with you putting aside all the ways in which your spouse has hurt you, and deciding to love them with the love that Christ has given you. You don't have enough love in your heart, possibly, to forgive them of how they've hurt you, or how they've not met your needs, but Christ does have enough love. So, you must ask Him to give you His love, to see your spouse through His eyes, and to love them with His love. Then, you must do what you have been asked to do. As a husband, you have been asked by God to love and serve your wife, even when she's not perfect. Wives, you have been asked by God to submit and respect your husbands, even when he hasn't been that respectable. If you have a really hard time loving or respecting your spouse--for your spouse--then do it for God, and because He has asked you to. Then, pray that your spouse will see what you are doing, and also choose to do their part.
However, remember this one thing. YOU cannot change your spouse. ONLY God can change your spouse. You can pray for them, you can encourage them, and you can love them. However, you cannot make them fulfill your needs. So, ask God to fulfill your needs, and ask God to change their heart, for you cannot do it--it is hard enough working on your own problems, so focus on yours and pray for theirs. A husband cannot and SHOULD NOT try to force his wife into submission and respectfulness, and a wife cannot and SHOULD NOT try to force her husband into loving and serving her.
This does not mean that she cannot tell him, or that he cannot tell her how they feel. Indeed, for a healthy marriage, there needs to be communication. I am by no means saying not to communicate. Rather, I am addressing expectations. You cannot EXPECT your spouse to be able to change just because you want them to. All of us, you and your spouse, have deep seeded issues in our lives that make change difficult, and many of these things may require extensive counselling before we are even capable of changing them.
FootNotes
Copyright © 2000, Kevin K. Nelson, all rights reserved
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